I am not neurotypical

Having kids has completely changed the way I understand myself.

Alex and I have done a lot of exploration around neurodiversity for our children, who both display complex behaviours. Around two years ago our eldest was assessed and diagnosed, and in recent weeks it’s become apparent that our youngest may require assessment, too.

During this exploration, it’s become increasingly more obvious to me that my behaviours could similarly be viewed as being on a spectrum. Upon having our eldest assessed, with each question we were asked, I felt more and more like I was the one who should be having the assessment.

But I’m not sure I was always this way, at least not on a surface level. I was a very controlled child, and undoubtedly masked for most of my childhood. It was my safety mechanism as a queer kid in the 90s.

Since growing up and becoming more confident in myself, and particularly since I’ve had children, things have changed for me in so many ways. I’m expressing myself far more authentically. But with that, comes unfiltered honesty, a sharp tongue, inappropriate jokes, absolute overwhelmed panic, and the occasional tick.

I often find myself having a sensory meltdown, talking nonsense to myself, being anal about something that’s unimportant, getting in a flap if I’m running late, obsessing over cars, getting stressed and frustrated over silly things, or beating myself up for stuff that just popped out of my mouth during conversations.

This is one of the many reasons I like writing so much, because I can write and rewrite what I’m going to say, I can think and reflect and get my point across without blurting out panicked nonsense or something awkward!

As a parent, I’ve been forced to face into my behaviours and address the parts of me that I’ve been suppressing for a lifetime. With my journey of self-assurance has come a whole heap of underlying insecurities. Insecurities I don’t want to take out on my kids.

In recent months, I’ve also been reflecting upon my own upbringing and whether there is neurodivergence within my family, too. In doing so, I’m really starting to understand my childhood more. This has been such a gift. It’s released years of wondering about why things were the way they were, and why I am the way that I am. It’s really put my whole life into perspective, and has really helped to deepen my understanding of my children, too.

Whether or not I will get assessed is still to be decided. And there’s plenty of time for that. But this realisation has been revolutionary for me, and for our family unit. Although Alex has been trying to tell me for years! 🙈