It’s 2:30am and I’m lying awake having an identity crisis. I had a haircut on Friday. I walked into the barbers and said “One generic male haircut please”, and they delivered. And I have to admit, it looks great on me. But, you may recall that I recently wrote about the power of hair, and how I feel as though I’ve given my identity away somewhat.
The moment I started getting comfortable with my identity was heavily linked with my acceptance of my sexuality, and at around the age of 16/17 I began to experiment with my appearance. I would wear tie-dyed corduroy flares, have bright coloured hair and a few odd piercings dotted around my body. You might say that’s normal for a teenager, but for me this was more linked to the exploration of my queerness.
I continued to explore my expression through my late teens and early twenties, until I landed a corporate job. The first thing my employer told me to do was remove the piercings, dye my hair a ‘normal’ colour, tuck my shirt in and shave! It was time to grow up, it seemed.
For many years thereafter, the most I could get away with was dying my hair black. That was about the extent of my expressionable allowance, if I wanted to have a career.
Fast forward 15 years, and I’d left all that corporate bollocks behind me. I decided to rebel and grow my hair long! This was perfectly timed with Covid lockdowns and adopting my two daughters. What a great excuse! I grew it and donated it twice. It was a great experience. But I miss it. I almost feel as though that was my first real expression of myself since I was in my early twenties. And I just…cut it off.
All I’m left with now is my pink shoe laces.
Last week I turned 40. I’ve never been bothered about getting old. And I’m still not. Honestly. Despite someone saying I had great skin for a man in my fifties!! #cheekybastard 😂
But what I am bothered about is that I’ve lost connection with my queer expression. I just feel like a boring, generic male. I keep joking with my friend that I need him and his friends to ‘Queer Eye’ me. But the problem with turning 40 is that I’m going to be viewed as the stereotypical male having a mid-life crisis!
Should I care what people think? No. Absolutely not. What people think of me is none of my business. But do I care anyway? Yes, a little. I think we all do. There’s a certain societal embarrassment that comes with expression in your forties. Don’t ask me why…but we can’t deny that it exists.
But here’s what I do know…
2025 is already shaping up to be an amazing year for me. The opportunities it’s already presented to me are astounding, and they just keep rolling in. I feel it in my bones. This is going to be a transformative year for me.
I also know that most successful people say that their success came when they started being authentically themselves and doing it their way. There’s a certain confidence that comes with authenticity, that can’t be replicated or canned. There’s no magic formula for confidence, authenticity and success, it’s organic and it’s totally unique to each individual. It comes from true openness and vulnerability.
So for 2025 I’m going to put on my big, queer pants and try to pluck up the courage to have a mid-life crisis 😂 I really want to lean into my authentic self, to express the suppressed and to start feeling like Luke again.
Comentarios